A torn house

Being back here now is just so horrible because it is bringing all of my childhood and teenage issues to the fore front again. I now feel like that 15 year old again, like a burdan and a failure and disapointment to her father most of all. I don't know what it is, he hasn't always made me feel this way, in fact not really since I was 15, which was about right before he moved out to start his new job in Minneapolis... therefore the last time I lived with him as a child.

Since then, we haven't been really close much at all, but I'd say we had a good relationship. I felt that he was happy with me, proud of me despite some mistakes I had made. I would talk to him for long hours, for anyone that knows him knows that he talks a lot! He would say baby girl to me... I suppose I felt the closest I had felt to him during those years from around 18 to say 26/27 or even up till the last year. I don't know if it's due to his last heart attack or what, but I just dont' feel good around him at all. I feel horrible in fact. Most of all a huge fat disapointment. Most of the time I feel that he can't even look at me much less talk to me because of this huge disapointment to him that I've become. The fact that my dream and life has ended as a wife and mother is just not good at all for him. I know that he felt that I was so smart and could do so much in any feild, doctor/lawyer/ pro-golfer.... anything of social value. But, no I'm a simple mother and wife, and I suppose I've failed at that as well since we are here in his home because we have fell right on our asses and need a hand up to get going again.

I don't know what to do or say. I love the life I choice, when I see my family together... my husband playing with my kids or the kids succeeding and having fun in their activities I'm so overjoyed. Then I turn around and feel this horrible energy of just meanness I guess, like I'm so not wanted here that the house is just oozing in the negative engery. I hate it so much. I don't want to be here. This is not the environment I want my kids to be in at all. The reason I had kids was because I lacked in a family life, my family just doesn't know how to be close or together.... we never had that common goal of wanting to be just a family, there were always so many other things that were in the way, things that took much bigger priority over our little family. So, that is what I fight against, what I feel my goal in my life is... to create a family that is founded in love and respect and comfort and just so my childern know and feel that who ever they are and whatever they do there is a family there for them, loving them no matter what. I will never let my child feel unwanted no matter what age or situation they come to me in..... I will always house my childern and family and give them the feeling of being wanted and that they are loved unconditionally. That is what I want, that is the mission in my life, that is the family that I have created.
So, anyone out there wants to know why I have this big family with so many kids when we have so many financial issues, when we can't allways stand on our own feet why are we having a big family....... why do I still wish for more childern in the future (I do, but much more planned and spaced out from now on). It is because I grew up feeling alone and unwanted, and I don't mean to hurt the ones that love me ..... I know you love me and didn't ever mean to give me pain.... but the facts are the facts and life happened as it did and you can't take the truth away from me, I know how I felt, and that was unwanted and certainly a burdan to all. Anyway, I wanted a family and I wanted childern. Childern that were loved and wanted unconditionally... that knew that they were on the top of the chart and that they mattered in the family...... My life is my family..... I only wish I didn't have to create a new one to have one, I wish oh so very very much that the family I was born into could give me a feeling of pride instead of shame, and that I didn't have this horrible feeling of being a burdan and being unwanted..... of my family being unwanted.