New Andrea

Its been a long time since I last wrote, and well a ton has happened in my life since then. I'd definitely say that it has been a very trying time for me as well as for my family. There was a lot that had happened that I really wish didn't, but then again as they all say if you hadn't done what you've done, if you didn't experience and make the choices that you made then you wouldn't be where you are today. Now, let me tell you there is a hell of a lot that I would change if I could make my world my dream world but who really lives in that kind of reality? I'm most likely not going to update you on all that we went through, it would just take up too much time and who really wants to hear all of that, I mean really? I do intend to keep this up .... but we will see. I do see that I may take some sort of different view with it, I'm really not sure. I want to use whatever I have for something good, and I'm really working on becoming me.

Alright, anyway the title of the blog is the life of a Ruch.... and my life is well really made up as a Ruch. I'd have to say there is probably about an hour a day that I am completely alone, so the Ruch's surround me and are made up of all that I am. So me changing and me working on becoming who I am really is all about the Ruch's, because as I move forward it effects us all. It is a strange thing to realize that you are the world to people..... That their every moment has something to do with you.... It seems especially strange for me. I had always been such a solitary person, well at least in my view I am told by my mother that I was never shy and quiet as a child. So OK, the me that I've come to know myself as was not the same as the me as a child. I have seen myself as an outsider, someone that really never fit in anywhere exactly. You feel uncomfortable with the norm so you try out what lies on the outskirts of society and yet that is just not right either.... So I guess I just secluded myself thinking that others saw what I saw in me, someone that just didn't fit. Was this what you saw I don't know, it's just how I've felt, but then again perhaps that's how all people feel.
It sucks being a mom when you don't' feel like you belong in the normal group. I want so much to participate in all the activities for my children's school and extracurricular activities, but I just feel so odd, like every other mother is looking at me and wondering what I'm all about and who am I trying to be. I want to belong in that group and yet I really don't, I don't want to have to talk to these women about stupid things that I don't care about..... do they really want to do that? I don't want to be that person that looks at everyone else as stupid normal average people and thinks they are better then them, that's not it at all. I don't feel better, just different, just like, well that what I care about and have passions for are different. How do you find those people out there that are like you? Just search and pass through people looking for that common soul? I don't know .... I haven't made a friend since I was 19. However I do have to say that those friends that I made so long ago are very close to my heart.
I now think .... you know I love you guys (well you close friends are the only ones that ever read anything I ever write :)). I love you and you all know a part of me that nobody else knows, you know the me I used to be, the part of me that went through emotional hell to grow into who I am today. Now I've gone through a lot more since we were close but you all do know a huge part of me.... but when I look at each other, we are not alike... not most of us now. I don't think I would become friends with you if I met you now. So, perhaps it doesn't matter how much I'm like another person.... I love my old friends and will be friends with them forever no matter how much we change or how different we become. I may not understand them anymore and they may never get who I am..... Ahhh does this have any meaning..no not really its just some babbling of a 30 year old married mother who is trying to find herself again.
One thing I'd like all my loved ones to know, I like myself , I really really do like me. I don't know if I could have ever said that before.
So, here it is my new blog..... me babbling yes, but for those of you that still just want to see my heart and soul ...my darling babies... I will most definitely post them often. For now they are the majority of me ...... I'm learning that they are not the whole of me, but they are my every day, my every moment almost..... but I am working on me so that is here too.
Please hang in there for me.... it may get long and you may not care, but I can also say some meaningful things.
I Love you all,
Andrea